By Mark Kutolowski
What do we do with our pain? What do we do with our fear, our anxiety, our frustration and our sadness? These are essential, existential spiritual questions. In a liminal time like the current COVID-19 pandemic and social isolation, the question of how we relate to our afflictive emotions can become essential to our emotional and psychological survival. These emotions are arising in the global human family with greater power in this time of disruption. It is more important than ever for those of us committed to the spiritual life to be conscious of our relationship with inner pain, both our own and that of others.
How do we respond to our pain? I see at least seven possible ways. Let’s unpack these ways—starting from the most destructive to the most liberating:
1. Overwhelm & Self-destruction– When the intensity of emotional pain completely overwhelms both our capacity for inner presence and our psychological coping mechanisms, the result can be profound dis-integration and/or self-destruction. People who are psychically shattered by an overload of pain may become psychotic, dissociated, or otherwise profoundly mentally disabled. A common way out of this level of overwhelm is suicide. From the inner landscape of the suicidal person, ending one’s life may feel like the most compassionate option – a blessed relief from intolerable pain.
2. Passing the Pain Along – Another highly destructive response to inner pain is to transfer or ‘pass along’ the pain to others. Doing this provides a brief sense of respite and some small sense of control in being an active agent rather than a victim. It does give a sense of temporary relief, but at the high cost of afflicting another with increased suffering. This effect is the motivating energy behind revenge, and much human violence and warfare. There has been a sharp increase in domestic violence in the United States since the onset of COVID-19 quarantines. I suspect this is a result of men (and some women) who are losing work, money, security, and a sense of purpose. Their tragic response is to pass along this pain to the few people over whom they have control.
3. Medication– Another way to deal with inner pain is to blunt or escape from the pain through chemical means. This can involve the use of prescription medication (anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medications), which are able to shield us from the experience of the painful emotional states for extended periods of time and have less obvious short-term negative side-effects than street drugs. It can also involve ‘self-medicating’ with the use of either legal (alcohol, caffeine, marijuana, nicotine/tobacco, sugar, prescription pain meds) or illegal (heroin, cocaine, meth, etc.) drugs to escape from emotional pain. Medicating inner pain is objectively better than either being destroyed by the pain or passing it along to others, but it is still not healing. The original pain remains—it is only being masked or temporarily kept at bay by the chemical effects. This is true for psychotropic medicines with relatively (though not completely) benign physiological effects, as well as for the street drugs that can more quickly damage our bodies.
4. Negative Distraction and Avoidance – On the same level as chemical ‘distraction’ is the use of reactive behaviors to distract ourselves from inner pain. This is fundamentally the same strategy as medicating the pain, but instead of a chemical avoidance we utilize a shift in attention to distract ourselves from feeling our pain. Screens of all kinds (TV, movies, social media, YouTube, texting, video games, surfing the web) are perhaps the most common means of distraction in 21stcentury America. However, this energy can find its outlet anywhere.[2] We can use media, but we might also turn to superficial relationships, work, food, daydreaming, or innumerable other ways to get out of feeling our bodies (and the emotional pain they hold) in the present moment. Another related psychological strategy is the avoidance of any stimuli or situation that is likely to bring up negative feelings. We avoid certain people, situations, topics, memories or political opinions that might serve to ‘trigger’ an upswelling of emotional pain or discomfort within ourselves. While negative distraction is often less self-destructive than medication, it similarly does nothing to address or heal the pain we bear. Over time, the more we employ the strategies of negative distraction and avoidance, the smaller our world becomes. We become more and more distanced from our real inner landscape, and our freedom to creatively engage with life progressively decreases. Over decades, the incidences of negative distraction and avoidance compound and can become deeply interwoven with our sense of self or ‘who we are’ in the world.
5. Positive Distraction, ‘Coping’ and Self-care– We now arrive at a response to inner pain that is positive and life-enhancing, that of ‘positive distraction’. By positive distraction, I mean responding to an upswelling of inner pain through redirecting our mind and or behavior to actions that are life-affirming or tend towards health and balance. Examples include going for a walk, spending time in nature, exercise, sharing our troubles with a trusted friend, listening to relaxing music, volunteering or ‘doing good’, and thinking about things we are grateful for. This ‘positive distraction’ is not facing the pain directly, but turning our attention to things that bring peace or a feeling of well-being. It is more helpful than negative distraction in that it can help build up a positive state, but it is still distraction as opposed to being directly present with the emotion. Over time, these positive behaviors can help build up a stronger, healthier ego – one that is less likely to become overwhelmed by afflictive emotions. Yet, this approach is still coping (management of the egoic psyche), rather than entering into freedom at a level of consciousness that is deeper than the egoic psyche[3]. This category includes much of what is offered in the realms of self-help and psychology. Some helpful spiritual practices can redirect our mind away from inner pain, including praise and thanksgiving, and intercession (praying for others).
6. Presence and Transformation– A deeper spiritual practice, one that more fully enters into the heart of Christ, is to simultaneously be fully present to the emotional pain and open to the presence of God. In my experience, people are usually only able to open to the deep pain in their hearts to the extent to which they have begun to experience God’s unconditional love and presence within them. This is why people who begin a regular practice of silent opening to God—such as Centering Prayer—will often experience an upwelling of emotional pain from old hurts a few months into their practice. The pain is arising from deep within the subconscious for healing. The pain was there, sometime for decades, waiting for enough of a trust in God’s presence for it to rise up for healing.
This practice of presence involves recognizing the pain when it appears and consciously choosing to feel the pain without running or hiding from it. It is most effective when done as a body practice—that is, we feel the pain as sensation in the body, rather than as a set of thoughts or emotions to be verbally processed. By holding both an awareness of infinite Divine Love and an awareness of our pain, we can experience the pain without being overwhelmed by it. In some blessed moments, we may experience both God’s love and our pain simultaneously—in these times, there is a sense of a certain ‘sweet sorrow’ as we bear our share of the human condition in solidarity with Christ. At other times, we may experience an alteration between our experience of God and the experience of our pain. If this is happening, what is needed during the acute awareness of pain is a radical trust in God, even when God’s presence is not felt. This trust is enough to create space in our being for the pain to be felt and endured and for it to move through our being.
When we, fortified by Divine Love, stay with the pain, the pain itself passes through us into the intimate love of God. In this place, the pain finds its resolution and healing. We might experience this as a release, a physical lightening, or an outpouring of tears. At times, it might come as a more subtle expansion of the heart, followed by an increased ability to bear all things with equanimity and love. Regardless of how it manifests, the end result of holding our pain with presence is a transformation of the pain. This is the way of Christ, who bore both Divine Infinity and human suffering in his unified body, for the healing of the world. When we follow this path with our pain, we are walking in imitation of Christ.
7. Union with Christ and Bearing the Pain of the World– When a person is faithful to bearing their own personal pain and uniting that pain to God, over time the great majority of the individual’s personal pain is healed and transformed in God. However, the journey of healing does not end here. When a person is united with Christ, that person’s body can become a vessel through which a portion of the collective pain of humanity is felt, endured, and linked to the healing power of God. The whole and holy one, united with God in love and in suffering (or ‘allowing’), bears all things in love. In the economy of grace, God uses these holy ones as ‘cells’ in the mystical body of Christ to enact a portion of the healing of the collective body of humanity.[4]On this level, the pain an individual experiences becomes less and less personal, and more and more an expression of their liberated heart’s unconditional love for a both glorious and tortured human family.
Walking with our pain
Each of us has likely lived into many of the different responses to inner pain described above. Many of the responses I describe may blend into one another or be enacted simultaneously. For example, transferring pain through domestic violence and medicating pain through alcohol often occur side by side. It’s not always easy to discern the difference between what I have called negative distraction and positive distraction. I also believe that each of us is doing the best we can with the inner resources we have and it’s extremely difficult to simply will oneself out of one way of responding to pain into another, healthier response.
Yet, I do believe that understanding these responses to pain can be of practical value for those of us on the spiritual path. If we are seeking to live a spiritual life, what we do with our pain is of utmost significance in our spiritual progress. How, then, are we to respond to our inner pain?
Whenever possible, try to practice the approach of ‘Presence and Transformation’ (#6 above). A specific spiritual discipline like the Welcoming Prayer can be profoundly helpful in this approach. To be with our pain with presence, however, requires a certain degree of inner awareness and intimacy with God. It’s almost certain that we will feel overwhelmed at times, to the extent that our inner pain exhausts our capacity for presence (at least, in that moment). In these times, I believe it is useful and necessary to engage in the ‘Positive Distraction, Coping and Self-care’ approach. This is still a healthy way of responding to pain and it can be extremely useful to know how to manage our pain with positive behaviors. The key is to not let this become our only approach and to forget to do the deeper work of Presence and Transformation.
By using inner awareness, we can open as much as we are capable (at any given time) to our pain with presence, and in doing so allow for God to heal and transform us. Yet, when we feel overwhelmed, we can also turn to the positive egoic resources of self-care and coping to ride out the storm until we again have the strength to turn towards God and our pain with presence. As much as we are able, we must seek to avoid the ultimately destructive behaviors of the first four approaches I mentioned—'Overwhelm and Self-destruction’, ‘Passing the Pain Along’, ‘Medication’[5], and ‘Negative Distraction and Avoidance’. All of these are spiritual dead-ends. When we engage with these responses to pain and as soon as we become aware of it, we must seek to raise our response to the level of ‘Positive Distraction, Coping and Self-care’. By keeping our responses in a blend of ‘Positive Distraction, Coping and Self-care’ and ‘Presence and Transformation’ (and ultimately, moving towards ‘Union with Christ and Bearing the Pain of the World’), we can continue to skillfully respond to our inner pain and allow its arising to become an opportunity for healing and spiritual growth.
By doing these things, we can learn to walk with our own pain, and in time, to become united with Christ who bears all human pain. In this way, we can participate in the mystery of Christ and share in the healing of all people.
[1]This is likely true of other parts of the world as well; I have only seen numbers for the US
[2]If I have gotten into a habit of distracting myself with the internet and then I begin a ‘media fast’ during Lent, for the first couple of weeks I often find myself unconsciously grabbing for whatever banal reading I can find in moments of silence. I will start reading articles from a year-old newspaper before I crumple it up to start a fire in the woodstove, just to avoid the discomfort of being present with my feelings!
[3]Because ‘coping’ is still ego management, it is also vulnerable to being overwhelmed/overloaded by external stressors. The resources of the ego, even the healthy resources, are inherently finite. ‘Positive thinking’ tends to crumble in the face of extreme loss like the death of a child, a bitter divorce, or a war or a pandemic ravaging one’s community.
[4]The experience of bearing or suffering the pain of humanity, even to a small degree, gives a window into the spiritual reality of the Christian understanding that Jesus Christ, fully God and fully human, bore the sins of humanity in his passion and crucifixion. It seems there is a spiritual law that the more closely a person is united to God, the more they are both capable of and asked to ‘bear’ the pain of the human collective in their soul. Experiencing this in a finite way, we can begin to extrapolate to the immensity of the gift of the divine-human one in bearing all things on behalf of our species.
[5]There are many people whose lives have been saved by psychotropic medication and I do not mean in any way to diminish the tremendous, positive, and yet temporary value of these medications in these circumstances.