These times are not easy. There is a lot to fear. It is natural to feel anxiety when so much is unraveling, shaky, and uncertain. It makes sense to wonder if there will be enough. However, we need not stay locked into a state of fear and constriction. We can acknowledge that the times are difficult and still remain open to God, to life and to each other. Indeed, this is the only path that will actually lead to a sense of “enough.”
Read moreIsolation, Solitude & Our Need for Connection
By Mark & Lisa Kutolowski
Social distancing. Self-isolation. Quarantine. These, of course, are the suggestions—rapidly turning into mandates—to humanity around the world in order to reduce the overwhelming spread of COVID-19. The social ordering of our lives has been upended wholescale and millions of us are cut off from the normal routines and social contact that made sense of our lives. Most of us have put in a great deal of energy into building lives that are connected—not isolated.
These social restrictions are prudent and necessary in regards to viral transmission. However, we know isolation also carries with it many dangers to the health of mind and soul (as well as body—we thrive on human touch!) Understandably, we fear isolation. When we feel isolated, we often become afraid, anxious, and panicked. In isolation, we lose contact with our usual sources of loving connection. We often end up losing access to the warmth and love that these relationships enkindle within our own hearts.
What, then, are we to do? We might try to mask the feeling of emptiness and dis-ease by filling our time with screens—obsessively collecting updates about the COVID-19 outbreak in an effort to regain a sense of control or watching movies and TV shows to distract ourselves from painful feelings. While these behaviors may temporarily mask the pain, they do nothing to reconnect us to love and to life. We also continue to be in relationship with each other in the ways available to us. However, social media can only give a brief illusion of connection. It cannot bring the warmth of real human contact. Even video chats and phone calls with loved ones only go so far. I (Lisa) spent the end of last week in a bit of a frenzy in an attempt to socially connect with friends near and far. These emails and conversations are good and beautiful touchstones, but they left me longing for more.
My (Mark’s) spiritual father, Fr. Kelly Nemick, spent most of his life alone, in prayerful retreat in a hermitage on the edge of a property where he served as priest and spiritual director. In our conversations he made a careful distinction between isolation and solitude. Isolation, according to Fr. Kelly, is when a human being is cut off from relationship with others – whether with God or with other people. Isolation means moving away from intimacy and being closed off from the flow of love and connection that is meant to be shared between beings. To live a full, joyful human life, we all need to be in loving relationship. Isolation, then, is against life.
So in a time of forced isolation, what can we do?
What are the consequences of an entire country being forced to self-isolate without being given the inner resources to handle this radical shift?
What new practices must we cultivate for the health of our souls, families, communities, nation, and world?
The answer lies in Fr. Kelly’s contradistinction to isolation, which is solitude. Solitude, he taught, is not a movement away from love, but a movement away from certain forms of human contact in order to connect with love at a deeper level. A Christian hermit goes to his or her cell not to run from love, but to run to the deepest love a human being can come to know—the Love that is God. It’s all a matter of intention and desire. With a heart oriented towards God, a separation from human society can be a doorway into a more intentional opening to the source of Love itself, that is God. Spiritual hermits are a living paradox—they are among the most alone of all people, but have become some of the most loving, free, joyful people ever to live, with hearts burning with love for God, humanity, and for all creation.
Relationship with God, which can be cultivated in solitude, is one way to stay connected with life in a time of forced isolation from human contact. The Christian story speaks of the redemption of three other primary relationships—relationship with others, relationship with self, and relationship with Creation. As circumstances have forced us to decrease our contact with other human beings, we can consciously intensify our relationships with God, nature, and with our selves. In this way, it is possible to remain connected to the flow of love and life that is the essence of relationship, even if we are living alone in forced ‘isolation’ from other human beings for a time.
To stay connected to love and life in a time of forced isolation from others takes discipline. We’ll often be drawn to grasp at false substitutes. Yet each time we turn to connect to God, to our own inner depths, or to the natural world we strengthen our connection to love. We will remain in relationship, and therefore remain in love. In this way, it is possible to turn isolation into solitude and this time of forced separation into a training ground for a deeper and more whole life.
In the coming weeks, we’ll be reflecting on some of the ‘tools’ of the spiritual life that we can use to open more radically to the gifts of solitude. We are also going to experiment with online discussions about these ‘tools’ to help all of us lean into the gifts at hand. For the life of the world, may we all embrace this opportunity to nurture our relationship with God, our truest selves, and Creation during this time of upheaval.